Love Yourself

For many big girls, clarity and self love doesn't come until they understand the difference between sex and love. While it has never been a question of finding a man that wants to sleep with me, it is more of a question of them wanting to hold my hand in public afterwards. I confused men wanting to sleep with me for them wanting to be with me for far too long. I didn't understand the difference until I let a man love me. He showed me a world I hadn't seen before. He let the world know that I was his, I was more than a late night call, and that I was beautiful inside and out. Once you see that, you see the things in a different light. You get comfortable in your skin, familiar with turning down advances you're not actually interested in, or being okay with single life. Knowing my self-worth, I would rather be single than with someone who doesn't value my everything. My confidence was indeed tested, the negative remarks after I rejected someone, the lonely nights when I wanted to settle, or the slick talk of someone trying to fool me. With every challenge passed, I realized the strength in my conviction. I truly loved me first and now I know someone else can love me.
On my different social media pages, I get messages from women complimenting my confidence and love of self. They always seem to start the same though, "I wish I was as confident as you are". As flattering as that may sound, I always tell them the same thing, "you can be, it just takes time and patience". You have to face your inner demons before you can face the outside forces.

Let's Talk About SEX!

I know the title may have gotten your attention, but this post won't be telling you about my latest escapade or exploit. There is nothing I could talk about on this subject that would be new and exciting or even different for that matter. However, what I have come to realize is that we take for granted the wealth of knowledge accessible to us about sex, because we are taught shame when it comes to sex. We, women especially never learn about the pleasures, because if we enjoy it, it makes us less "pure".
Before I get up on my soapbox and talk about the gender inequalities when it comes to sex, let me get back to the point. Which just in case you missed it was taking for granted the wealth of knowledge available to people. Far too often we don't know what questions to ask or where to begin to explore our sexuality or even sensuality. I know there are plenty of forums that you can ask questions on, but do people really feel like its a safe place to ask questions and get answers? There are so many perverts and just straight up assholes on those sites that I feel like people that want authentic answers don't get heard because of the nonsense that isn't filtered or regulated. Maybe other people can point me in the right direction, but that is something I think we should invest in. A positive, safe environment for people to learn and engage in exploring ones sexual self. I know a lot of what I've learned is from personal experiences, but there was a great deal that I read in books or saw on TV that shaped the beginnings of my sexual identity. I didn't have friends I could talk to about sex, because we were so closed off to the topic, and now I'm the one they go to for advice.
I say all this to say that I am here for you to vent to, listen to stories, answer questions and help you on your sexual journey, be it from the big girl perspective, woman perspective or the black woman perspective. Whatever you need, use me as a resource on your journey. You are not alone! If I can't answer your question, let's find out the answer together.

So i'm a whore because I don't want you?

This post is not size specific, but I experienced it recently. I have a provocative nature, that I enjoy embracing, so I do and occasionally it is the target of some unwanted attention. I was talking to a guy for a few days and it just didn't work out. We weren't compatible, and I may not have conveyed my lack of interest in the way he found suitable. Don't get me wrong, I understand when people don't communicate the way you want it can be frustrating. Our conversation finally came to an end and we were no longer in pursuit of anything more. The relationship of knowing another person wasn't going to continue to grow, so I see nothing wrong with not being in contact with someone anymore. I un-friended him on facebook and as a result he lashed out at me, because he was salty about it. If you are done with someone why would you want to see them in your timeline/news feed. He proceeded to send me messages, harassed me, called me out of my name, and just escalating a situation that was unnecessary. When you found my page on tumblr, you were interested in getting "with me" and getting to know me, but now that I un-friended you on a social media site, I am an "attention seeking whore", "insecure", "ho", "basic bitch", and I lie about my life online. None of which is true, you're just angry about a situation that shouldn't matter because I knew you for less than a week. But to put the icing on the cake, after all this drama and unwarranted hostility, he asks to kiss and make up. What kind of bi-polar/psycho nonsense is that? I'm a ho because I un-friended you, but your first message to me was "Do you know how bad I want you?".
This is a harassment cycle that is not okay. If a man or woman is not interested why do you feel it is okay to attack their character or personality? Especially when you don't actually know them. We lash out because someone doesn't like us, but it is not anyone's fault. It is okay to not like someone and it is okay to not be liked by someone. No matter how much it sucks, there are 7 BILLION other people on the planet, and keeping that in perspective, one person not liking you is irrelevant. I don't get, but I guess to each their own.

10 Rules I Live By:

1. I never let a man believe he is more than he is. No ego stroking, because all it does is perpetuate macho behavior and unattractive "confidence".
2. Do more than you show. Don't hide your life, but you don't need to boost everything to grab the glory or be in the spotlight
3. Give as much love as you receive. When you give to much of yourself up front, there is nothing to look forward to later. Your personality becomes dated and passe'.
4. Personal goals are personal for a reason. Everyone doesn't need to be in your business.
5. Love is a four letter word. Commitment is an action. Sex is a game. 
6. Don't ask more of others than you would ask of yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally. If you can't do it for yourself don't expect others to do it for you either.
7. Phone etiquette is the new society standard. Either learn it or leave.
8. If I cut you from my life or vice versa, don't expect me to come back and I wouldn't expect you to come back either.
9. Take me as I am, because that's how I take others. I don't judge you for your experiences, so don't judge me.
10. If I give you my body, treat it with passion. If I give you my heart, treat it with love. If I give you my soul, treat it with kindness.

Advice I give, but don't always follow

I am the last person to tell anyone how to live their life, but this is advice I constantly hear being thrown around and I know I am working hard to follow all of them.

1. Be You: if you're a big girl, stop trying to be a skinny mini. You are not that size and if you envy that size lose the weight and get there. Either be happy where you are or change yourself. Just keep in mind that it doesn't matter what you look like if you hate yourself. Your appearance won't make you happy.
2. Be Healthy: Most bodies will never be supermodel status, but it's not about that, it's about keeping your heart healthy and your body happy. If you eat junk your body will feel like trash. It is literally that simple. A balanced diet with body positive foods will naturally lose the fat. 
3. Be Happy: Take the time to enjoy the things that make you smile. From the small things to the big, appreciate what makes you smile and continue to allow them in your life. Take time for yourself, but don't forget to spread joy to others.
4. Be Righteous: I don't mean in the religious sense of the word, because I know people come from different backgrounds. I mean it in the true sense of the definition. Be a pillar of morality and more good will come to you. People will leave their demons at home when they approach you, because they respect your positive energy.
5. Be Humble: Take the success as well as you took the failures. It never comes overnight so when it does, be gracious to those that helped you and to those that admire what you do. People may not remember what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.