What Black Love Means to Me...

I was raised by black love
nourishing the fibers of my being
allowing me to know what encouragement and passion looked like

I was raised by black love
understanding the good energy it brings
educating me on what mutual respect looks like

I was raised on black love
watching it move souls closer together from the start
as well as holding the flame together as the years carry on

I was raised by black love
unconditional
difficult
patient
strengthening
heart churning
soul shaking
life transforming
LOVE

So why would I ever settle for anything less?

Break-Up Letter...

To every ex that never let me get closure or explanation to why your promises were so empty.
To every ex that told me they loved me and let go just as easy.
To every ex that cheated, lied, or stole my time.
To every ex that let me believe in love till they no longer wanted me
To every ex that broke my heart and to those that didn't

I hope you're happy. Even though we didn't work out, I really hope you're happy. I can't keep holding onto this anger for you and what you did to my heart. I realize it's not healthy and holding onto you makes me tied to the past and not ready for my future, which is exactly what I am. I don't love you anymore because I am no longer blinded. I love me more than I can allow myself to love you. My happiness is more important now. so moving forward, I can't allow you to hold a place in my heart that's not meant for you.

with the best wishes,

A love lost and queen reborn

Ms. Dymond Diva

Podcast: Coming VERY Soon

Through popular request, annoying friends, and a general desire to have my voice heard, I will be producing a podcast. Before you all freak-out, I am not abandoning my writing and honestly feeling more inspired to write after developing the ideas for shows. So get ready with any questions you want to hear my opinion on because the real, the raw, and the ever so fluffy is coming!

Welcome back to my side of town

The rollercoaster that is life takes us away from our passions. In the spirit of getting back to sharing my thoughts, ideas, views, joys, and sorrows I have decided to be recommitted in the expressing of my art, writing. I have so many projects coming forward that I need a safe space to release the emotions I'm going through. Talking out topics that confuse me so as to gain insight and perspective. With all that being said, I have a few things I want to talk about that just need to be said.

• Big girls will never be a token, option, or addition to anything you do. We deserve the same respect and priority given to others. We are not less than or invisible. 
• Black women are not angry and bitter, they are tired of being disrespected by literally everyone.
• Love is not a destination in life! It is a benefit of care, affection, and respect.
• Marriage is more than a fancy party and a mound of debt to celebrate starting a new life with
  someone.
• Patriarchal privilege, misogyny, and blatant colorism get praised by these fake deep black men that want to be seen as enlightened when in reality they just as bad as the assholes they claim to be fighting.

I'm not about to be up here preaching through an extra long post and telling you all some things that should already be common knowledge, but these are things I just had to say.

Fluffy hair and all...

Ya girl has been through so much this year, but I do have a lot I wish to catch up on and get opinions about. Some of the topics include:

• Online dating
• Long distance dating
• Loving yourself
• Labels (ie sexuality, size, status)
• Awkward sex
• And so much more

Through the ups and downs of this life I live, I am where I am, and I love every bit of who I am. I look forward to sharing my adventures.

Love Yourself

For many big girls, clarity and self love doesn't come until they understand the difference between sex and love. While it has never been a question of finding a man that wants to sleep with me, it is more of a question of them wanting to hold my hand in public afterwards. I confused men wanting to sleep with me for them wanting to be with me for far too long. I didn't understand the difference until I let a man love me. He showed me a world I hadn't seen before. He let the world know that I was his, I was more than a late night call, and that I was beautiful inside and out. Once you see that, you see the things in a different light. You get comfortable in your skin, familiar with turning down advances you're not actually interested in, or being okay with single life. Knowing my self-worth, I would rather be single than with someone who doesn't value my everything. My confidence was indeed tested, the negative remarks after I rejected someone, the lonely nights when I wanted to settle, or the slick talk of someone trying to fool me. With every challenge passed, I realized the strength in my conviction. I truly loved me first and now I know someone else can love me.
On my different social media pages, I get messages from women complimenting my confidence and love of self. They always seem to start the same though, "I wish I was as confident as you are". As flattering as that may sound, I always tell them the same thing, "you can be, it just takes time and patience". You have to face your inner demons before you can face the outside forces.

Remember ;)

10 Ways to Cleanse Life, Soul, and Body

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables - They cleanse your system, plus they are good for the over all health of your body. Besides they taste yummy!
2. Drink water - It flushes toxins out of your kidneys and keeps your body healthy and hydrated.
3. Get plenty of fiber - what? fiber, that's for old people. While that may be true, it is good at any age to keep your body healthy and moving.
4. Throw away the past - Get rid of clothes, trinkets, or friends that may be holding you back. If you haven't worn in it 3 years, Toss it! If it just sits there collecting dust, Toss it! If you don't know why you still hang out with them, Talk it out and end it!
5. Develop a hobby -  get out of your comfort zone and try something new. (wine club, model trains, painting, etc) just try something different to expand and change your usual routine.
6. Vision board - I know it sounds cheesy, but trust me it works. map out what you want out of life. Think about the promotion or job you want, the weight you want to lose, the places you want to travel, and put it on the board. It is a tangible reminder that you need to be working towards more!
7. Think Positive -  Not just think, but say, do, write more positive things into your life. Don't let the negativity of your thoughts and others define who you are and where you're going. Deep in your soul you know your greatness, but we all need a reminder every now and again.
8. Take a bath - Using some well placed oils, scents, and bubbles, your day or even your life can be improved by taking the time to relax. It recharges your body so that you can take on everything in your life.
9. Get some rest -  It may seem obvious, but most people think that getting sleep is getting rest which in most cases is false. Your body needs to REST. Turn off all your electronics (phone, laptop, TV, tablets, etc.) and shut the world out for a while. Your life and work will still be there, but getting back to 100% will help you tackle everything you need to do. 
10. Meditate - It will improve your concentration, your health, your knowledge of self, and can cause you to be less bothered by the little things. Take the time to get to know your mind. 

Let's Talk About SEX!

I know the title may have gotten your attention, but this post won't be telling you about my latest escapade or exploit. There is nothing I could talk about on this subject that would be new and exciting or even different for that matter. However, what I have come to realize is that we take for granted the wealth of knowledge accessible to us about sex, because we are taught shame when it comes to sex. We, women especially never learn about the pleasures, because if we enjoy it, it makes us less "pure".
Before I get up on my soapbox and talk about the gender inequalities when it comes to sex, let me get back to the point. Which just in case you missed it was taking for granted the wealth of knowledge available to people. Far too often we don't know what questions to ask or where to begin to explore our sexuality or even sensuality. I know there are plenty of forums that you can ask questions on, but do people really feel like its a safe place to ask questions and get answers? There are so many perverts and just straight up assholes on those sites that I feel like people that want authentic answers don't get heard because of the nonsense that isn't filtered or regulated. Maybe other people can point me in the right direction, but that is something I think we should invest in. A positive, safe environment for people to learn and engage in exploring ones sexual self. I know a lot of what I've learned is from personal experiences, but there was a great deal that I read in books or saw on TV that shaped the beginnings of my sexual identity. I didn't have friends I could talk to about sex, because we were so closed off to the topic, and now I'm the one they go to for advice.
I say all this to say that I am here for you to vent to, listen to stories, answer questions and help you on your sexual journey, be it from the big girl perspective, woman perspective or the black woman perspective. Whatever you need, use me as a resource on your journey. You are not alone! If I can't answer your question, let's find out the answer together.

My Apologies and My Commitment

I haven't really posted since April and the thought of catching up on old posts is kind of overwhelming. With that being said, I am going to re-boot this blog and hopefully get into a regular rhythm with my posting. I'm going to take a little more time off to get some posts ready for publishing, but I promise I will have more for you soon. I appreciate all the love and support you all have shown me and I promise not to let you down.

xoxox

Ms. Dymond Diva

So i'm a whore because I don't want you?

This post is not size specific, but I experienced it recently. I have a provocative nature, that I enjoy embracing, so I do and occasionally it is the target of some unwanted attention. I was talking to a guy for a few days and it just didn't work out. We weren't compatible, and I may not have conveyed my lack of interest in the way he found suitable. Don't get me wrong, I understand when people don't communicate the way you want it can be frustrating. Our conversation finally came to an end and we were no longer in pursuit of anything more. The relationship of knowing another person wasn't going to continue to grow, so I see nothing wrong with not being in contact with someone anymore. I un-friended him on facebook and as a result he lashed out at me, because he was salty about it. If you are done with someone why would you want to see them in your timeline/news feed. He proceeded to send me messages, harassed me, called me out of my name, and just escalating a situation that was unnecessary. When you found my page on tumblr, you were interested in getting "with me" and getting to know me, but now that I un-friended you on a social media site, I am an "attention seeking whore", "insecure", "ho", "basic bitch", and I lie about my life online. None of which is true, you're just angry about a situation that shouldn't matter because I knew you for less than a week. But to put the icing on the cake, after all this drama and unwarranted hostility, he asks to kiss and make up. What kind of bi-polar/psycho nonsense is that? I'm a ho because I un-friended you, but your first message to me was "Do you know how bad I want you?".
This is a harassment cycle that is not okay. If a man or woman is not interested why do you feel it is okay to attack their character or personality? Especially when you don't actually know them. We lash out because someone doesn't like us, but it is not anyone's fault. It is okay to not like someone and it is okay to not be liked by someone. No matter how much it sucks, there are 7 BILLION other people on the planet, and keeping that in perspective, one person not liking you is irrelevant. I don't get, but I guess to each their own.

10 Rules I Live By:

1. I never let a man believe he is more than he is. No ego stroking, because all it does is perpetuate macho behavior and unattractive "confidence".
2. Do more than you show. Don't hide your life, but you don't need to boost everything to grab the glory or be in the spotlight
3. Give as much love as you receive. When you give to much of yourself up front, there is nothing to look forward to later. Your personality becomes dated and passe'.
4. Personal goals are personal for a reason. Everyone doesn't need to be in your business.
5. Love is a four letter word. Commitment is an action. Sex is a game. 
6. Don't ask more of others than you would ask of yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally. If you can't do it for yourself don't expect others to do it for you either.
7. Phone etiquette is the new society standard. Either learn it or leave.
8. If I cut you from my life or vice versa, don't expect me to come back and I wouldn't expect you to come back either.
9. Take me as I am, because that's how I take others. I don't judge you for your experiences, so don't judge me.
10. If I give you my body, treat it with passion. If I give you my heart, treat it with love. If I give you my soul, treat it with kindness.

Advice I give, but don't always follow

I am the last person to tell anyone how to live their life, but this is advice I constantly hear being thrown around and I know I am working hard to follow all of them.

1. Be You: if you're a big girl, stop trying to be a skinny mini. You are not that size and if you envy that size lose the weight and get there. Either be happy where you are or change yourself. Just keep in mind that it doesn't matter what you look like if you hate yourself. Your appearance won't make you happy.
2. Be Healthy: Most bodies will never be supermodel status, but it's not about that, it's about keeping your heart healthy and your body happy. If you eat junk your body will feel like trash. It is literally that simple. A balanced diet with body positive foods will naturally lose the fat. 
3. Be Happy: Take the time to enjoy the things that make you smile. From the small things to the big, appreciate what makes you smile and continue to allow them in your life. Take time for yourself, but don't forget to spread joy to others.
4. Be Righteous: I don't mean in the religious sense of the word, because I know people come from different backgrounds. I mean it in the true sense of the definition. Be a pillar of morality and more good will come to you. People will leave their demons at home when they approach you, because they respect your positive energy.
5. Be Humble: Take the success as well as you took the failures. It never comes overnight so when it does, be gracious to those that helped you and to those that admire what you do. People may not remember what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. 

Tinder: Not Another Dating Site

So recently I had been hearing a lot of things about Tinder and I decided to check it out. I am already weary about online dating, but so many people are on it, they can't all be wrong. Can they? So I downloaded the app and logged in. Not too happy that it's connected to my facebook, even if it is easier to log in with that. I played the game and swiped left and swiped right, got a few matches and I was kind of surprised with the responses I got. I don't usually cater to the non-black variety, because it is so rare that I appeal to them. Don't get me wrong, I have dipped my toe in the proverbial melting pot that is the Los Angeles dating scene. I always find my way back to my black men.
So anyway, back to the app. I was getting a few matches and messaging back and forth with a couple people, made a date to meet up with an guy for coffee at my favorite Starbucks. I went into it all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and It was cool at first, then he was a total perv. He walked me to the car and attacked my face with his unkempt beard. It was scratchy and awkward so I pushed him off, but then he got all hands-y and grope-y which just made things uncomfortably awkward. Like can you back off and chill for a second. I just met you and we only went for coffee, calm down. That was a disaster, so I went home and deleted him and decided to give it another chance. Made a few more matches and had some good conversations. My next date from this site will be tonight and I have a third one planned for this weekend.
I think this app has the potential for producing some cute memories, some creepy interactions, and definitely funny stories. Many people are comparing it to Grindr but for straight people. I don't know if that's true, but I could totally see it heading that way where it is intended for dating, but turned into something for hook-ups.
I will certainly be back with more stories as I test the waters with this experience.

My Love Affair

I have a love/hate relationship with writing, and my love affair with money is becoming a cruel mistress that is rarely satisfied. I need to make more money so I have time for writing. Making money takes time I don't have and writing is what gives me peace to have more time. So I am in a perpetual cycle of make money to survive, but write to live. So who do I satisfy to keep me going my life or my love?

Monogamy vs. Polygamy: Are we headed to a new societal norm?

Does entertaining the idea of polygamy only mean you aren't ready for a committed monogamous relationship, or is the taboo of polygamy being entertained as a the next societal shift? With an increase of unfaithful partners, it begs the question are we in a transitional stage of polygamy? But I have a strong belief that this is largely due in part to the ease of being able to cheat.  There is an ever present cycle of looking for the latest and greatest with everything we have in our lives, from technology through to relationships. People are so available via technology that the increase in temptation is far more present than when you had to walk outside and meet someone new. Even with that ease of technology however, people are still lazy when it comes to relationships. There is no challenge to make it work, and far easier to let it go stagnant.
Now mind you, if I'm not in a relationship my dating style is very polygamous, and I use that term loosely. I may be talking to X  and Y when I meet Z, but I have no commitment to any of them. They may not be who I'm looking for and I may not be who they're looking for. Once I make that commitment to X, Y, or Z the other two will fall off and I am complete in my monogamy. Because all three may fulfill something I need, but once I have fallen for one and I only ride for that one, nothing else matters. No amount of technology or difficulty will impede the process of me loving you if you loving me.
Now that I have added my two cents in about how I feel, let me get back to the topic at hand. For me it can be backtracked all the way down to the simplest of gender stereotypes. Men are conditioned to be wild and sow their oats until they are ready to settle down while women are conditioned to settle down and raise a family. The male gender role is breeding this sense of over indulgent behavior while the female gender role is breeding a sense of urgency to commitment. It is almost at a point of regression natural urges versus conditioned urges.
So I leave you with the question are we in a transition of conditioned urges being replaced with the natural urges to have multiple partners and procreate at a rate of lust instead of love?

Sex Appeal Vs. "It" Factor

Sex Appeal: someone that is attractive no matter the race, body type, or even personality. Attractive to men and women. A beauty all around. Draws people in with only that.

"IT" factor: Someone that has an attractive mind, conversation and genuine heart. May or may not be physically appealing, but you are enthralled by them. Keeps people once they find out about that.

To me these things are very different, and a lot of the time people either focus on one or the other and not really taking advantage of having both. Some Celebrities, you see in the tabloids and news with a new man or woman on their arm every week, and its not always because they are just tyring new people out or dating a lot, its because they are sexy with no conversation to keep people around. They tend to be more on the glitz and glam side with out the substance. Not bashing any celebrities, but a few examples of who I think have sex appeal and not the "IT" factor include, Megan Good, Stacey Dash, Paris Hilton, and Jennifer Aniston. Not to say these ladies don't have something special to offer, but they tend not to be in relationships very long and since their relationships are so public, you see it. They are Sexy women, that are appealing to many men, but yet the stability of a long term relationship eludes them. As all of this is speculation, but you have to wonder, is it they don't want a serious relationship or can they not keep a man?
On the flip side, you have women that are beautiful by Hollywood standards, and just beautiful to the men they are with, but know how to keep men coming back for their mind and not just their sexy. A few examples to me are Denzel's wife, LL Cool J's wife, and Jill Scott. They are in the spotlight, and have much more to offer than a eye candy arm piece. looking at Denzel's wife and LL Cool J's wife, they have been with their husbands for the better part if not the whole career of their husband. That "IT" factor that these women have kept their man there even in the celebrity eye.

It is still rare however for women to be considered gorgeous and/or beautiful by society's standards while also being very appealing mentally. When you find it, its like a mythical creature being brought into light.

Spread The Love!

Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers and to all the single people. Show a big girl some love today. I love music, and I love even more when big girls get shown affection.

Sista Big Bones - Anthony Hamilton

Baby Got Back - Sir Mixxalot

Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen

Brick House - Commodores

Big Girl (You are beautiful) - Mika

When is Cheating...Cheating?

I remember back in the day when we were kids, well at least when I was a kid, those elementary school and middle school relationships, where if you even talked to someone that wasn't your boyfriend or girlfriend, everyone on the playground knew about it by recess. Guess who was in trouble and then dubbed a cheater, yeah, that poor little kid that was just trying to be friendly. Now let’s move a little further along oh the high school years, when it was still just as childish, but on a different scale. Who was kissing who, who hooked up at that party last weekend, and are they still together because I heard what he did?
More experiences with relationships make our opinions about cheating evolve, and sometimes we bend the rules to benefit our situation. In any case, generally there are some key factors that manipulate our opinion on the topic.
1) Experience-many people that have had their heart broken tend to have trust issues, so simply talking to someone of the opposite sex can set them off in a jealous storm. It can also dictate what behavior they start in a relationship as in whether or not they decide to get serious about someone based on fear of getting hurt.
2) Exclusivity- The lack of communication on where you stand with someone can cause hurt feelings. If you’re committed to someone let them know, because if you don’t say anything they are going to think its okay to talk to other people and you will be the one that is hurt not them.
3) What works for you? - Knowing what works for you is the easiest way to avoid a situation of someone cheating. For instance, my boyfriend and I know that cheating is a big issue for me because I have had my heart broken because a man I was committed to who claimed he was committed to me cheated on me with a friend of mine. So with us, cheating would constitute anything from kissing on forward. Kissing is something we could work on, and eventually get past, but sex is out of the question. If I had sex with someone else or he does, we are done. No reconciliation, just done.
I feel like there could be a set rule, but then there is always the exception to the rule, and not everybody will follow the rules. What works for you may not work for your friend. Some couples are swingers and would be okay with having multiple sexual partners. I however am not one of those people; my man is my man only. So when you make your decision on what works for you, use your COMMUNICATION skills and tell your partner what’s up.

Tell me...Does the number matter?

When you are in the get to know you process of relationships, and you get to the more intimate details of your likes and dislikes the question arises, How many people have you slept with? In some relationships its a bomb dropping moment others its an embarrassing confession. I mean, I know in some circles, the number might be a deal breaker, and in others a completely irrelevant factor. My number is a little higher than most, but not nearly as bad as some. With that being said I don't know if at this point in my life I could confess the actual number to somebody I liked for fear of rejection. Even the most open-minded of individuals are taken aback with a high number. I think it is a unimportant factor when it comes to relationships, because my experience showed me how to do that thing you like, and if I was a virgin you would complain about how I don't know anything. It is like having your cake and eating it too, you can't always get that, especially when you are no saint yourself smashing any girl that will let you. Once the "cherry" is broken it is unimportant what the number is as long as the number stops growing with the commencement of the new relationship. So again I ask, does the number matter?

10 things about loving a big girl

1. My insecurities have a long standing relationship with my personality. They navigate me better than I ever could. So understand that I have been trying to break them up for a long time, and they occasionally pull me back in like a lover that won't stay away. 
2. Don't add qualifiers to compliments. If you think i'm cute/pretty/beautiful, don't add "for a big girl" at the end of your statement. It's rude and unacceptable if you want to flatter me.
3. I already know I'm fat, but I still have fat days where everything I wear makes me look terrible. I just need a little reassurance that I'm still pretty even when I feel like shit.
4. If you like me enough to lay with me, then you should be able to show me off in public. Just because I'm a big girl doesn't mean I'm your little secret. 
5. Big girls are not put on this earth to serve you, so don't act like you are God's gift to us by giving us some attention. Honey, I know I look good, and if i'm not interested that doesn't make me a "stuck up fat bitch" or any other variation of the phrase. 
6. No, big girls are not jolly like Santa Claus. I have emotions, attitude, and opinions you will not agree with, and I will not be so submissive as to not speak my mind. And no I don't have to be happy all the time because I'm round. Those attributes are not synonymous and if you aren't ready for that, please keep moving.
7. I am not a fetish. Do not approach me with the intention of fulfilling a fantasy or secret desire of yours. I am not the one, and you need to get over yourself as a man. 
8. Don't think of me as an ATM with low self-esteem. I trick money off on people I know are loyal to me and I know have my back. I don't need to buy your time, because I can find someone better that appreciates me for me not what I buy them. 
9. I want to feel appreciated, so even when you have me, act like you don't. I am a queen waiting for a king. I will give you the benefits of being a king if you treat me like a queen. Don't ever forget that.
10. Just love me the way you want to be loved. No big secret or revelation, if you wouldn't want to be treated a certain way, don't treat me that way.

Why Are You Single?

This is probably my least favorite question on the face of the Earth. It just gets on my nerves because people use it in such a condescending way that just makes me not want to have the conversation with them. The subtext in the tone of voice reads "how crazy are you that you can't get a significant other". [And don't even dare begin to infer that it has anything to do with my weight, because I'm always going to be me instead of changing like most women do when they get a relationship. Hunnie I'm thick and fabulous now and will be thick and fabulous after. If you gain 15 lbs you get depressed I gain 15 lbs and I get a bigger bra. So lets not even go there.] By the way, thank you for calling me a crazy loser, it couldn't possibly be the fact that I am considerate enough to not bring someone in the drama that is my life. I turn down suitors, because I am not ready to be with someone, not because I'm not interested. It takes lots of self-control to not fuck up someone's life with your drama when you know you would damage them. So yes I am single by choice and not default. People are so lonely and desperate that they spread their misery to make themselves feel better. Okay, so this got a little rant-y but my point is still valid. Asking why someone is single is their business, and usually a sensitive topic. While I might be lonely at night doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship to make me feel better when other aspects of my life need work and are far more important than who's cuddled up in my bed.
Along the same line, If you don't mean it in that manner, why is your capacity for compassion so limited that you have to figure out what's wrong with someone just to know about their love life which in all reality doesn't concern you. Are you so bored with your life that you have to be nosy in someone else's? There are far too many people concerned with other people's love life and not concerned with the relationship they are in. Like how about you worry about if you will be single soon.
I just needed to get this off my chest, because I keep getting asked about it, and its starting to annoy me. People just don't understand.

Quick Update!

I will be publishing a few short works on amazon and this is my first title: Heartbreak: The Rise and Fall. I am now working on a scandalous series called "Mistress Confessions" and who is it centered around? A plus size call girl named Mistress, definitely a juicy read. check out my first e-book and make sure you check back for more titles coming soon :)
Thanks lovelies!

Welcome to 2014 Bitches...

Okay so the title is a little inappropriate, but I needed to convey my excitement for a new year. I don't make new year resolutions, because they tend to fail. It may be a new year, but I am the same me. So I know if I'm not ready to make a change, the date changing isn't going to make a difference. To me the new year is like a fresh start, an opportunity to leave my mark on the world. New adventures, new opportunities, and different outcomes. For me the new year is like a new love, you think anything is possible until you get to mid year and realize the honeymoon is over and you have wasted time, then fall hits and you're depressed because you know its almost over. Even though I know this is the pattern coming my way, it doesn't make me any less excited about what new adventures are coming my way. So with all this being said, welcome to 2014, a year of opportunity and hopefully smarter decisions than 2013. Learn from past lessons and apply them to new experiences. Life is only short when you fail to live.

On that note, next week will have a better post. I'm just working on other projects, and taking care of my health so please forgive me for the short post this week. If you ever want me to talk about a specific topic, email me: dymondcmf@gmail.com or comment on any post. This also applies to Questions? Comments, feedback and concerns.

Compliments are hard...

The audacity of me to miss Friday's post. I was feeling a little under the weather this weekend, so I didn't get a chance to post what I wanted to talk about. but since it is a new day and that topic seemed so bland I decided to scrap that and save it for another Friday.
So on another note, I got my favorite backhanded slap in the face compliment, and it just made me think of all the awkward, perverse, inappropriate compliments I have come across in my few years of being "of age". I know these types of compliments aren't limited to big girls, but I'm no skinny bitch, so I won't speak on the generic ones just the ones that tend to be big girl specific.

• "Girl, you thicka than a snicka"
• "You're pretty, for a big girl"
• "You look delicious"
• With no regard for my name "Can I get your  number"
• "What's wrong with your face? Why is it so gorgeous?"
• "Your lips are real nice, I bet they taste good"

For me I always wonder where guys learned these statements and what compels you to say them to a woman. Am I supposed to be flattered and just fawn over you just because you want to get into my panties? You are a man, I am a woman, that is the natural order of things. Is it too much effort to ask for you to try and get me and not approach me like you got me already? My favorite is when they act like they are so attractive that I should feel honored they approached me. My confidence doesn't always show, but I know my worth enough to know when you are trying to run game on me. Turning around and calling me names all you want because it might make you feel better in the moment, but we both know you thought you could pull me, got your feelings hurt along with a bruised ego. That doesn't make me the bad guy, it should tell you to humble yourself because not everyone wants you.
There are far too many big girls that allow any ole pick-up line to work. I've seen it, and I'm just in my own space like"noooooo, he's a dick, don't do it" I just shake my head and keep moving. I feel like this is where these lines were born. They worked with that one girl, so they use them on women they think have similar self-esteem issues. Generalizing will get your feelings hurt.
There is no trick to picking up women, just don't be a creep or a jerk. Yet I know this may be hard for many guys to comprehend, because women are complicated creatures, but we can appreciate the simplest of things as well; Well, at least I can.

The Truth Is...

I know I'm flawed. I know I have things to work through, but half the battle is knowing that something is wrong and wanting to do something to change it. Whether it is in life, love, or family, no problems will define you as long as you continue to work on them. Life is full of problems and flaws within self, but using what you have and making yourself better is your purpose for being here.

When it comes to love, from my personal experience, it doesn't matter how ready or right you are for someone that isn't ready for you, and vice versa. I keep one rule when it comes to dating, if I know I would damage someone by being in their world, I have no business bringing them in mine. Most people are so scared to be alone they run to the nearest relationship to be with someone when they still have issues from the last relationship that didn't work. Thus bringing old issues and unhealed wounds to a fresh start only to destroy something that could have been great. Take a moment and imagine if someone did to you what you did to them, would you want them to wait or continue to pursue you?

When it comes to family, from my personal experience, they suck the life out of you. With that being said, I still love them and wouldn't trade for anything. They mean the world to mean, but that doesn't mean they are good for me either. 

Now when it comes to life, my personal experience, if it doesn't make you happy, wealthy, or loved, then I have no businesses being apart of it. It is a hard lesson to learn and I don't believe it can be taught. You can't allow others to rule your life and you can't live for others. Do what you need to do for you, because everyone else is looking out for themselves.
It is a harsh reality when you realize the people you surround yourself with will define you, but swallowing that pill and making the best of whatever you got is all part of the journey. 

Men of my Life

I took a closer look at the company I keep when black men are involved. And since then I have placed any new and existing men in my life into 4 different groups: Buddy, Booty, Bestie, BF/Potential. They don't get moved around, because that adds confusion to the mix and would break down the whole system. There are of course exceptions to this rule, and some that don't get categorized.

Buddy- a guy that gets placed here will never get the booty, he will be kept here in the anticipation of, without ever getting there. He may or may not know this, however if left with the impression or illusion he will, he will stay around longer. Buddies tend to have a higher turnover rate, they come and go, which is not a problem, because they come a dime a dozen. The are from all walks of life, artsy, thuggish, nerdy, etc. The buddy is a girlfriend replacement. when you don't feel like being around girls and the catty behavior your buddy is there with video games, sports or party hook-ups.
Booty- This is all this guy gets, I call him, he calls me, we work it out and make it happen. We don't hang out on the weekends, we casually speak about what happened last time and what we want to do in the future. If we run into each other in public, we will be cordial like giving a hug or kiss on the cheek, and the conversation is kept to a minimum especially since your friends and his friends may not know that you know each other. Booty has no opportunity to move to any other category. Once I get bored with them or the sex is whack they get dropped and I move on. I'm kind of cold towards guys in this category because it helps me to not get emotionally involved. They tend to get more invested in me and try to move out of this group when that happens I have to let them go.
Bestie- I hold these men closest to my heart, because they are basically family. They can have whatever they want and need. There is nothing sexual about our relationship, its a bond of friendship. They get me and I get them. They are the men that I know will beat up any fool that hurts me, and cherish the laughs and memories we build. We watch sports together, play video games together and they are the best wingmen a girl could ever ask for. They don't cock-block, because they know I will bring the bitches with my slick tongue and cool attitude.
BF/Potential- This guy gets star quality treatment. He is the guy I probably flirted with first. He makes me blush and giggle, not laugh. He makes me smile not cheese. He makes me want to love not just lust. We talk on the phone for what seems like short periods of time but is actually hours. There is a mutual sensual/sexual attraction along with the intellectual respect for each others mind. Goals are career based, with support from future spousal commitment. If you get placed in this category, and it doesn't work out, you can not remain to be put in another category. I am done with you If you aren't good enough to be my BF why would I keep you around as a friend. Think about that.

Of course with any system, there are loopholes and exceptions. Rules for life are never perfect, and they never work for everyone as a whole, but these work for me, well at least for now. It keeps things less complicated when life is already a mess. If only they knew they were there and didn't try to escape to other groups, everything would be perfect.

Single or Single and Dating?

I find it interesting when I get approached by men of all ages and they ask me if I am single. Especially when they really mean are you dating anyone/involved with other people. I feel that the lines of communication are ruptured from the very beginning when you don't ask a clear question to get the desired answer. Because I can tell you I am single, but I could be dating 3+ guys but not be attached exclusively to any of them. This whole topic came about when a friend of mine was getting hit on by this young man; She is currently talking to another man, but as the case may be they are not exclusive. She is free to date whom ever she likes, but from the question posed by new guy, he is lead to believe she is unattached and not pursuing any other relationships. Needless to say when I asked her about her guy, we got into the discussion of the whole situation.

*Is it an obligation of the askee to fully disclose any and all information pertaining to the question or answer the question as vaguely as its asked? I guess it depends on how you feel or how interested you are in the person doing the asking.*

If you don't fully disclose and it comes out later that you are being a "player" so to speak, your partner may break up with you. It can also lead to trust issues if you do ever become exclusive. While there are negatives, it can also come with positives such as "an upgrade so to speak" from the person you are with. Before we get all Beyonce' wannabe on me, the person you're with may not be the right person for you to achieve your highest greatness.
If you do fully disclose, they could be ratchet and continue to pursue you in the process breaking up the couple. They could also be a potential soul mate that is no longer interested because you are otherwise occupied with someone else.
At any rate, go for the honesty in dealing with new relationships. I know from my own experiences old and new, I haven't always been up front, and I am far from perfect, so with my flaws have come learning, and experience; Love lost and love gained keeping the honesty flowing keeps relationships lasting.

Light Skin/Dark Skin...the battle continues

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, how often do young black girls hear these words from mothers, aunts, and grandmothers after being persecuted for the color of their skin? The negativity being said by other races that don’t have the experience of living in this society with such natural born prejudice towards them, have no idea how difficult it is to overcome such attacks on self-esteem. So aside from the outside influence of such harsh realities, the naive optimistic spirit does not want to believe that such negative behavior would come from someone within the shared family history that is now pitting our own community against each other. Looking at the black community, generations past, we are still facing resentment issues dating back to the slavery era from outside forces. The light skinned of the community being treated better and spoken to with higher regard than their darker skinned counterparts. All the while, the darker skinned being deemed unsightly and undesirable. Moving forward many years past the freedom from slavery, still separate the light skin and dark skin “negroes” being put to the ever infamous “paper bag” test, we have perpetuated the same ideals without the shackles of slavery attached. Fast forward even further to present day situations where we no longer have the outside influence of the government openly persecuting races, we have the disintegration within our own ethnic communities. Regardless of mixed heritage or full blooded descent, black people judge other black people based on how light or how dark their skin is. No side of the spectrum has it better, because all life has hardships that affect the development of people. Playing to the negatives, they end up harboring resentment instead of lifting up within the community. Black is beautiful no matter the shade, and instead of perpetuating the ideal that if you are lighter in complexion and closer to the European standard of beauty you are better, we need to embrace the curves, the shape, and the shade of every black person to change the imagery put forth. Being a man or woman of color shouldn’t come with requirements of being a certain type of black to be worthy of calling yourself a person of color. When our community realizes that, nothing can stop us except our own imaginations.

Thick Thighs, Smooth Legs, a Sultry Attitude...and Still Single

I try to represent everything I think a good woman is. The way I move my body and the way I use my mind, make me a strong bold woman. Even still, being very young in age, there are some things I can admit to not having experience it, but one thing I love to talk about is what I do know.
I know my thick juicy thighs make a grown man quiver.
I know my silky smooth legs make him wonder.
I know my sexy sultry attitude lures him in.
But I also know the things that will keep him are my mind, my heart, and my soul.

To tell someone that they are unworthy of finding what they need and want because of their age is something I find to be very troubling. I meet guys all the time, that are attracted to me and love my personality, then they ask how old I am, and get turned off. I don't understand it, because I'm still the same person I was before you knew my age. I am still the young woman that has a good head on her shoulders, that has goals, that has a everything you said you look for in a woman, but because I'm still in my younger 20s you are no longer interested. The way I look at it, if you let age determine how much you can be interested in me, then i don't want you to be interested in me.

As you know I do not have a boyfriend, why? you may ask. The boys my age are to immature and looking to "smash", the older men think I'm immature and all I'm good for is a "young pussy smash", and the younger are basically jail bait trying to prove themselves in the grown mans world that they can "smash an older woman". I feel like I'm at an age where if I didn't have a high school sweetheart, there is no hope till I'm 28 and so deep in my career I'm not thinking of a finding a man, I'm thinking about getting a new business under my belt or writing my next best seller *fingers crossed*. While truly the only help in this department goes to the women 35+ who can't get a man let alone keep him. So what is a young woman supposed to do but flounder around till she gets to the 35+ age when society feels like she's desperate enough to need the help.
I guess I'm more so posing a question than trying to tell a solution. What can I do as a young woman to find a man with strong values that can handle a woman of equally strong values? What can I do not to change the men out there, but to find one that is worthy and ready to be serious and not playing games? 

With all this being said, I digress. I know I can do nothing but wait for the Lord to bring me a man worthy of me and I of him. I'll just have to stick with me being me: Thick thighs, smooth legs, a sultry attitude...and still single.